LIFE // Pregnancy: 29 Weeks

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

&& there we have it. Another cheeky, simple but awkward pregnancy selfie.

Current status: 29 weeks pregnant and super tired.

Biscuit queen.
Throughout my entire pregnancy all I have wanted and was ever satisfied by was biscuits and not just any kind mind you, it’s those Bengali biscuits – rusks and sugared toasts. They’re so satisfying and yummy especially dunked in masala chai. Every bite is savoured! You get that initial crunch and the rest just melts away *drool*. I go through them so quickly that when I run out, I’m semi-satisfied with a creamy, shortbread.

Cravings aside, this week, the LO has been ACTIVE especially at 1am. Throughout the whole day there’s minimal movement but as it gets close to midnight, my stomach is bulging in all sorts of areas. I wish I was more poetic with my words, but sadly, I’m not. However, that does not mean I don’t cherish every beautiful movement, experience and feeling that pregnancy has to offer.

With that said, pregnancy insomnia is very real right about now. The other night once Isa went down to bed I was up cooking, cleaning, mopping, laundry, and sorting out my makeup. YES! Sorting out my makeup. I sat there at 3 am going, WTH am I doing and what did I just start, but it was a job that needed doing so my crazy ass just went for it. Bare in mind, I had work at 9am so needed to be up by 7am. My body was exhausted and tired but my mind was telling me Nooooo! Lol – for some reason I just had to find silly things to clean. It’s my fourth day running now where I’m just sat up at crazy o’clock despite the fact that I’ve been up since 7am! I’m getting concerned as to how I’m getting through the day haha. Is this a sign of nesting? Surely it’s too early.

Heartburns are still an issue and I haven’t given delivery much thought this week. But I have been thinking about Isa and the amount of attention he will receive once baby arrives  – wondering what his reaction to the new arrival will be. Alhamdulilah, he’s a good kid in general, so I really shouldn’t be concerned over this non-issue, but I can’t help but think about it. I feel a little guilty that it’s not going to be me and him for long and that a plus one will soon be joining us soon. As I said, he’s an amazing child and he loves other kids and babies so I’m confident he will adjust well, he has a very caring and nurturing aurora about him.

Throughout this pregnancy my teeth have been super sensitive, so this week I have booked in a dentist appointment for two weeks time from now, as that’s the earliest I’m available to go. I know pregnancy affects your teeth and nutrients but boy are my teeth super sensitive atm.

Anyways I’ll keep you updated on my journey as I go along, so feel free to check back here every now and again!

Oh and Ramadan Mubarak Everyone! I pray Allah grants all your dua’s and provides you with his mercy, love and forgiveness.

Until my next post xoxo

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VIDEOS // DITL: Family Picnic

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

I had the most relaxed and chilled weekend two weeks ago and here’s a snippet of what I got up to during Easter bank holiday.

I’m at a stage in my pregnancy where I have a list up until my arm, I get motivated, and then I completely drop from exhaustion and nothing gets done – usually my “me time” which includes blogging, is what’s left as last priority on that list, because as much as I enjoy and love it, I can’t put it first before all my other responsibilities. Hence, why editing takes forever for me right now – so please bare with until I get some life and energy back.

Until my next post xoxo

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LIFE // Pregnancy: 28 weeks

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

Current status: 28 weeks pregnant and quite hungry.

I am sitting in the blood test waiting room, I have two hours to kill because I’ve just taken my GTT test. It’s the glucose test which measures whether or not you have gestational diabetes. I am anxiously waiting, feeling semi-sick trying to hold it all down so I don’t have to come back and re-take the test.

If you’ve read Isa’s birth story, here, you will know that I had gestational diabetes with him and was required to prick myself 4x a day to monitor my glucose levels. It was extremely long, annoying and irritatingly painful to do. I was awful at getting it done on time and I’m bad at feeding myself as it is, so figuring out what foods where good for me was hard. I’m praying the results come back positive this time round, as I’m concerned I already have it – I’m constantly super tired and always needing to pee, which are the usual symptoms along with other things to suggest I have it.

I had a midwife appointment on Monday and I finally met my personal midwife who’s allocated to me, we hadn’t met in prior appointments. We discussed options for birth, so far nothing has been set in stone but I’m definitely hoping for a VBAC (vaginal birth after caesarean) and only open to a c-section in emergency situations. Otherwise I do wish to wait and ride out the experience, as I hear vaginal birth is typically the safest mode of delivery as well as the fastest way to recover post birth. I am still weighing up my options and looking into this as well as other forms of pain relief which doesn’t hinder the birthing process. I would love to hear your VBAC experience or what options you choose for an after caesarean birth.

It was so lovely hearing the baby’s heartbeat again, to hear them move and kick. I was also told they had the hiccups! Honestly it was so adorable.

I have to give props to the midwives they’re amazing at what they do and are very skilled 👏👏 She barely touched or applied any pressure to my stomach but she could tell straight away what position baby was lying in and where the head and legs were. I’ve been told currently this baby is sitting against my back/ spine. Head is towards the front with legs up.. so breached baby. But I’m not worried as there’s plenty of time for baby to move and turn.

Baby has been super active this week, definitely moving around a lot more and fighting for space – it’s all so ticklish and bearable at the moment. Before the appointment I thought they were measuring small but sitting up high near my ribs, but nope this little one actually measured up big at the appointment, in comparison to Isa anyways. I’m finding the pressure on my bladder has finally gotten intense this week, But I’m practicing on holding it in and exercising and strengthening my pelvic floor muscles in preparation for the birth.

Current downside: the constant heartburns, so Rennie’s have been my friend and saviour lately. Oh and my trousers are refusing to cooperate slowly, haha

Funny moment of the week: Isa just randomly comes, lifts my top and points at the baby screaming “baby, baby, bayyybeeee” – the first time he did this couple of weeks ago it freaked me out coz I was like how do you know?! But kids know these things. He’s such a sweet soul I know he will be amazing around another baby. I’ve seen him around my nephews and honestly Isa is so fun and loving.

But yeah that’s my thoughts of the week, let me know what you’re interested to hear about and I’ll be sure to share it next time.

&& for added fun, key foods of the week has been pomegranate, cucumbers and donuts! Balanced life and that, eh!

Until my next post xoxo

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THE S U R P R I S E

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

Before you continue reading this post, let’s catch up with the first two posts in the trilogy of Isa’s birth:

  1. T H E P R E G N A N C Y – [Here]
  2. T H E  B I R T H – [Here]
  3. T H E  S U R P R I S E – [Live]

They say life is full of surprises. So let’s start off with the not-so-nice surprises that followed the afterbirth: the hormones, the recovery, the loneliness and isolation.

t h e HORMONES.

// you go from carrying a baby one minute, to becoming an empty vessel the next. All those hormones you used to help nurture and grow your baby is left in your system floating all over the place – you are all over the place. One minute you’re hyper, the next minute you’re sad and utterly depressed.

Ultimately, I blamed my hormones for everything, it provided me with some form of relief and comfort to “just get over myself” and “get on with it”. It helped rationalise everything, knowing the over-reaction isn’t just all me and that there was some form of chemical imbalance 😛

t h e RECOVERY.

// you hear about all these wonderful birth stories and they make it sound as if it wasn’t that hard or painful – well they make it appear that way. But for me, it felt far from the truth. It doesn’t help when you have social media sharing glossy, near perfect images of their afterbirth. I know that social media is a reel of our lives, hence why I think it’s important to have a social detox during this period; focus on the now and being with your baby – learning and recovering.

I had a c-section, recovery was not what I imagined. In all honesty, I didn’t think or plan my recovery in detail – it was definitely an oversight, which was such a big mistake! Please be your future friend and plan, if not prep for your recovery; from visitors, to stockpiling and prepping food!

When it’s your first born and your first experience into motherhood, recovery from a c-section is very difficult to handle, especially if you don’t have additional hands on deck to help, because a) you don’t know what you’re doing and b) you’re constantly up and active with minimal sleep – which in turn I think led to the failure of my breastfeeding attempts. Going back, I would decline ALL visitors who just wanted to visit and see out of curiosity and keep them pending until further notice, however, I will welcome honest help.

Help in the form of time. Friends and family who know their way around my place without feeling uncomfortable and who can offer their time, so I can take in the moment, bathe, sleep, cook, eat, relax or have 10 minutes to myself. The last thing I want to do was overly socialise, entertain guests and host – I appreciate the sentiment and love they offer but during this recovery phase, focus your efforts elsewhere and recover!

t h e LONELINESS AND ISOLATION.

// I didn’t have the option of having a family member come round to stay or help, I had zero help with a newborn and no supervision or family guidance in breastfeeding, which made the ordeal terrible. Ultimately, I felt like a failure as a human, female and mother – a being that could not feed her baby. It’s something that you beat yourself over as you assume it’s a natural motion, however, it wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

Due to issues of their own, my family made my pregnancy experience difficult and unenjoyable, so to some extent I cut them out for awhile so I can focus on my studies, work, safe pregnancy and delivery. But it was after birth where I cried the most, this was so unexpected. That was the time I needed them the most. Bless my OH, he was amazing throughout, no faults or complaints about him, he’s a soldier. But sometimes you just wanted that maternal help, that comfort and guidance and I feel like that’s were I missed out and struggled to get on with things.

I understand why they weren’t there and I couldn’t have been more upset – and the sad thing is I didn’t reach out or ask for help, I felt like I couldn’t – given the circumstance. I just felt alone through my pregnancy, no support, no maternal advice – the excitement wasn’t there. Even when I finally did get an ounce of excitement, the moment was quickly snatched.

My advice to new mothers-to-be, who cannot get this maternal help, is to join mum-related forums and groups. So many advice, assistance and guidance can be found under one page, it’s a godsend.

Despite all of the negative aspects I share on motherhood, all the joys it brings along definitely trumps the bad. I guess I don’t share a lot of the happy and merry moments, purely because I don’t want to give nazr (evil eye) on what’s going good already, Alhamdulilah for everything. Motherhood is all about adjustment and compromise. I feel like when the crunch-time comes, as female human beings, our innate instincts guide us through the journey.

The loveliest of all surprises is seeing your little one grow and learn, start calling you mama and those little random just because cuddles and kisses – nothing beats those moments.

Overall, motherhood is the biggest life lesson and surprise. It teaches you to respect your own mom and reminds you of the sacrifices they had taken to raise you. It also spurs you to be better and raise confident, respectful, well-mannered little humans, to love and co-exist peacefully.

With that said, here’s where I finish off the final surprise:

I hope you all enjoyed this lengthy and delayed post (sorry, took me some time to edit!) and feel free to follow and subscribe, well because it’s free!

Until my next post xoxo

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LIFE // The B I R T H

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

This post is a continuation of a post of three that I am sharing about my pregnancy and birth experience with Isa Mikaeel:

  1. T H E P R E G N A N C Y – [Here]
  2. T H E  B I R T H – [Live]
  3. T H E  S U R P R I S E – [Pending]

No amount of birth stories will prepare you for your own birth. It doesn’t matter how many experiences you read or how many youtube videos or episodes of one born every minute you watch – you simply won’t be ready for your own. Well not for your first birth anyways because you genuinely don’t know what to expect, your mind will constantly race as you worry yourself that you will be that one awkward statistic that “get’s it“. The only outcome at that the end of the birthing experiencing that’s guaranteed is that the baby comes out of your uterus whether natural or c-sectioned. However, it is reassuring to know how others went through the process and coped. What is that they done that helped, could have done different and what you can learn from their experience to ease your own.

D i s c l a i m e r: Now before I begin my story, I want to stress everybody’s body is different, reacts differently and is able to tolerate different levels of pain. Do what works for you, there is no right or wrong. I am simply sharing my personal feelings and experience, I’m sure certain events of what I say, my OH remembers differently,  haha. FYI he was the only person there the entire time 🥰

—–

In my previous post, you’ll know I had gestational diabetes, now that automatically puts you in the consultant care led unit as opposed to the usual maternity ward run majority by the nurses. It also meant that it was a risk if my baby was overdue for too long, or at least that’s what they told me. My original due date was 03.08.17, so I was considered 5 days overdue.

The consultant who was monitoring me said she would prefer it if I was induced and gave me a quick sweep in the meantime to see if that encourages natural labour. I was already experiencing contractions and was dilated for 1 – 2 cm for a couple of days. I thought they were braxton hicks but it turns out I genuinely was dilating but ever sooooooo slowly. Regardless to say, the sweep didn’t have much of an effect on me, so I continued to wait out for the call.

Now at the time, I did not know induction was optional and that I could have declined and actually waited for my waters to break and labour to induce naturally (which is what I would have preferred). But as an individual who’s grown up fearing authoritative figures, I just accepted what she said as if I didn’t have a choice and that I assumed she knew what’s best for me and went with her advice. Now, what you have to remember is that hospitals (especially maternity wings) are businesses and their priority is to get these patients in and out safely, get the babies delivered safely and free up the beds for the next person waiting in the queue.

Anyways, I accepted what she told me and she explained how the call back works for the induction and that the hospital will call me in the morning to let me know what time to come in. I got that very call on 07.08.17 saying that a bed was free and I should be there for a 5pm induction. I had my hospital bag prepped and ready three weeks in advance and had a separate bag ready with snacks which I ordered a couple of days prior from Ocado. Now I’m a heavy snacker so I made sure to make A L O T of space in my small luggage for snacks. We got ready, locked up and drove 30 mins away to our local hospital where I was booked in.

I went in, was provided a bed in a wing of 8 I believe, and the nurses came in and out, gave me another sweep (no luck), continued to do their checks and once ready, at approx 6pm they popped in a pessary (it’s a drug, that looks like a tampon, that’s inserted vaginally to onset labour). I did not think this little tablet would screw me over so quickly and painfully as it did but boy did that thing kick in within 1 hour of being inserted.

Straight away I got the most bizarre cramps and my body would get tense, for me at the time it was overbearing and I couldn’t help but moan in pain. I remember constantly feeling terrible for the people around me who were silent in their cubicles and I was also confused as to why they all were seemingly “okay”. As the night went on the pain intensified, the ladies around me tried to sleep and I couldn’t shut up. I would take walks in the corridor and go and sit in the main seating area, away for the other ladies to let them get some rest. But even sitting down was problematic because the contractions were so tense down there, it felt like someone was stretching it open with clamps forcibly – it was uncomfortable to sit on a chair or a ball.

Around 10pm I was offered a bath to see if it will help relax me, I accepted but it was such a large tub it took forever to get together. Once in, I relaxed instantly. But it was short lived because after 15 mins I was struggling again! I tried to ride out most the pain in the water and got out until I was cold. Oh my goodness, getting out of a bathtub was another story, as heavy as I was I found it super hard to get up and as I was stepping out I experienced the mother of all contractions, thank goodness my OH was there to hold/ support me out.

I was urged to get some rest by the nurses because they could tell this was going to be a long night, so they hit me up with some drug (I can’t remember the name, but it’s not morphine,  which helped but they were only allowed to offer a limited number of dosages) and then I did my best to sleep. Throughout the night I was constantly checked upon and as it got into the early hours I can hear the distress in their voices, they weren’t telling me what was up directly but kept coming in for checks. Eventually, I was told the heartbeat of my LO kept dropping. The tears streamed down quick. You spend so long nurturing and growing a baby you don’t realise how complicated the actual delivery and labour is.

I was then moved into a room of my own downstairs because they needed to prep me for surgery at about 2am. I asked for all the pain relief available, finally got my gas and air, which was fun but made me throw up like crazy. When I say fun.. all it did was shift the focus of my mind off the pain and on to something else. So although I could feel the contractions my mind was not focused on the pain – so the experience was bearable and at this stage in the night, very much appreciated. My OH was concerned that I kept throwing up so much, despite barely eating anything, he eventually refused to give me the gas and air… boy best believe I was mad! He just didn’t get what it was doing for me! It really was a relief.

I was denied morphine because I was advised this would affect the baby and already his heart beat was dipping in and out they didn’t want to risk it, because the baby would feel the morphine but suggested epidural instead. I didn’t think I would need epidural but after such a tense night you accept any help given. Later one of the Doctors swung by to check up on me and suggested I take two saline drip bags and get my body rehydrated. This seemed to help the baby relax and calm down so they held off the caesarean.

At this point my waters didn’t break yet so another doctor came by and stuck a blue rod with a hook attached to puncture me, it was such an uncomfortable experience the way she just got up in there. She then said she didn’t think she broke my waters so went back up to try again 😭😩. Me all drugged up, failed to mumble to her that she did actually break my water the first time. This particular doctor was an absolute b!tch with her commentary and I remember the way she spoke down to me, it wasn’t nice, and she said I don’t think you can handle pain so I suggest you take epidural. I mean I’m all for the drugs and pain relief and I wanted it quick, but daymmm I know it’s 3 am! No need to be a cow.

It was hours before I actually got my epidural because there was only one anaesthetise on shift. I think eventually I got it at 6am. They get you to sit on the edge of the bed, back straight but shoulders relaxed??? And you cannot be in the middle of contraction when having one. I was so confused with the experience, with all the instructions and the pain. I genuinely wanted to thump someone. The anger I felt in my head was not shown because my body was so weak to respond and match my feelings lol. Epidural was the best relief I had, after a stressful night I eventually knocked out and slept feeling absolutely nothing and not remembering a thing – which is a good thing because I felt nothing but also a bad thing coz I felt nothing.

Throughout the following morning (08.08.17), whilst I was sleeping the nurses would come in and out and check on me and do their readings. I was so zonked out I never noticed them except sometime after 1pm when they were a bit more frequent and kept waking me up and asking me to move around, move to the left and right and back and forth. They asked if I could feel the baby, advised I couldn’t feel anything since epidural. My OH already knew there was an issue straight away. Me dazed and confused, was lost.

The nurse disappears and reappears with a doctor, they do more checks and warn me that they will push a button now and several people will run in because they couldn’t find the babies heartbeat for awhile now and need to get me in for an emergency c-section NOW. Boom next thing you know the room is full of 10-15 people some who are there with reasons, others were students? I don’t even know, I didn’t even have time to care or process it all. Next thing I know I’m being rolled out, laid flat, and hauled onto a metal operating table, lights bright and I’m freezing cold.

All I remember screaming was “don’t cut me until I’m numb! My aunty felt you cutting her, she wasn’t readyyyy” LOL. Honestly I was sooo scared. The lady operating was nice, she waited until I was numb and kept prodding me to ensure I was okay and helped calm me down before going in. Overall the whole process was kind of quick, in relation to the type of operation they were performing.. I remember feeling constantly winded as if someone had punch me in the chest bone several times. The entire time my OH was by my side holding my hands, bless him he was so concerned with me he didn’t even check up on the baby.. I urged him to go over and I looked up behind me and saw my baby for the first time.

For some reason, I don’t really remember much afterwards. All I remember was waking back up in the same room again, but this time with a baby sleeping in the cot and what felt like a giant, stiff maternity pad over my wound lol.

It was official. I was a mom. I asked to hold my baby and took the most awkward selfies ever LOL. After a couple of hours,  I was moved across to the recovery wing and spent a 2 nights there before I was released on our own to deal with our baby. Our Isa Mikaeel.

say MA SHA ALLAH – Allah huma Barik Lahu

I know this was a lengthy post, but I do hope that you have enjoyed reading about my experience so far. Feel free to share any questions on what you’d like to hear about next. I’m more than happy to share on everything I can remember.

Don’t forget, I have one more post in this trilogy upcoming and that’s the S U R P R I S E. I promise I will not delay in getting this post out next week! 🙂

Until my next post xoxo

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LIFE // The P R E G N A N C Y

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

I entered the elite motherhood club on 08th August, 2017 at 14:16
To my beautiful baby boy: Isa Mikaeel
a wonderful mix of Bengali and Ghanian roots – my little baby.

——————–
My journey into motherhood wasn’t easy or as straightforward as I expected and this is why…

According to this picture I found out on 05th December, 2016 at 23:04 // and wasn’t expecting it at the slightest.

I remember taking the test, leaving it by the sink, checking the result and went to tell my OH the test was positive and proceeded to sit back down on the couch calmly (clearly the severity of this news hasn’t sunk in with me, as I was ever so blasé) – he didn’t flinch and thought it was a joke as I’ve joked about it before (because my menstrual cycle is always late and all over the place due to the pill where I’d taken tests before // Note, this is why you don’t cry wolf girls and boys haha). Hours went by until the OH noticed and only did so when he got up to go pee and came back into the living room looking breathless and holding up the stick asking if it was real… but boy indeed it was.

He was super excited, scared, nervous and confused and likewise so was I. A wave of emotions intertwining.

We weren’t ready for this news. We knew this wasn’t the right time for us. We always discussed that we wanted kids and how we had a process for life, we knew there were certain steps we wanted to take before we settled down into the family life. We wanted our own space – one which we didn’t rent, to be homeowners – we wanted our own careers, our own businesses and to further our education.

Once reality hit, the following day we booked an abortion.

We booked it as a precaution, not know what to expect or feel. What I thought would be a quick simple process where you book an appointment, pop in, grab a pill and bobs your uncle – but nope, that wasn’t the case with me. Because I was far off my period it meant that I needed to book two appointments and the first one wasn’t until a week away. That meant IT would be growing for an extra week. But that’s what we did anyways, we booked that appointment and that entire week was a very tense week… I was so lost and confused and beyond overwhelmed. There was no one I could approach regarding this topic, not even my family or friends.

Everyday me and my partner would discuss if what we were doing was the right thing. As people of God, we found going down the abortion route was incredibly worrying. It went against all of our morals. It just didn’t feel right. Through countless of discussions we came to realise that God gave us this precious gift of life knowing we are ready even when we thought we felt we weren’t ready. This was our test and first hurdle in life together and we couldn’t abandon it, so they day before my first appointment I called up the clinic and cancelled the appointment. A huge cloud was lifted and I was left feeling reassured that we were making the right decision.

Throughout my pregnancy journey with Isa I experienced a lot of emotional distress from the start till the end, whereby I wasn’t able to pause and really take in the beauty of the pregnancy and enjoy it for what it was – a gift. Majority of the emotional stress came from family and a secondary form of stress was my final year of uni exams (FYI, I graduated with a first 😌 Alhamdulilah – so if you’re struggling in Uni, persevere and know you can get through this!). I was constantly busy between work and uni, I didn’t have time to really notice and document my growing bump. If I could go back, I would log it more and take more pictures and not be so shy and awkward about my bump – the entire pregnancy I tried to hide it because by nature, I am a reserved person and surprisingly don’t like any attention on me which asks too many questions.

Despite my external stresses in life the actual pregnancy itself was soooooo smooth, to the point I would often forget I was pregnant. I did not experience any symptoms except a slight metal taste in my mouth in the early of days of pregnancy. Other than that, it was pain free and I was breezing along.

The first real hit of…

Omg the baby is real!!

Started when I could feel the little one flutter in my stomach approx 4/5 months in. It was such a surreal moment. This is the moment you suddenly realise you are responsible for the life of another being. It’s your duty to care in the upbringing of this innocent soul and make them an honest and god-fearing person. Instilling them with good values and decent morals. As scary as the responsibility sounds, it’s also an honour to be a parent and to offer so much love, joy and happiness.

The second wave of realism hit when I went in for the 16 weeks doctors check up. Now here you get to listen to your babies heartbeat!! It was so bizarre and dreamy all at the same time. Super quick fluttering beats, I was too shy to ask if I can record the moment 🤦‍♀️ – please don’t be like me, go and ask if you can record these special moments. They’re not everyday experiences and one you wouldn’t want to walk away from.

Then we had the 20 week scan 😍🤲 it was out of this world. You silently lay there and marvel at Gods creations and are super grateful of all the technology in the world which allows you to meet and see something amazing and clearly before you have a chance to hold them. It’s a beautiful moment. Do not forget to take your videos and purchase the scan pictures, purchase them from every single scan otherwise you’ll end up like me regretting it. Don’t be silly like Yasmin!

Feeling the first flutter of movement grow into mini kicks and turns is soooo bizzare. Just thinking about it makes me emotional and makes me want to cry. It’s such a special moment and a unique bonding experience that only mother and baby get. But don’t get me wrong towards the last month of pregnancy those kicks are not nice or forgiving haha, feels like your chest is gonna break 🤪 and all you want is for your waters to break and for the little rascal to be free!

Now, I wouldn’t say I had any cravings, I ate a lot of citrus fruits and WATERMELON. I was having a summer baby and summer 2017 was incredibly hot – so I didn’t limit myself to food, I ate what my body wanted but I did not “eat for two” – as this myth ladies and gentleman is where you pile on the pounds extra quick.

The only stage it got problematic was that at 28 weeks I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and that wasn’t fun to deal with. I had to take my blood samples 4x a day!!!! I didn’t just prick myself with a needle once a day, but 4!! It’s safe to say my fingertips felt consistently bruised lol and it was a headache sorting out my repeat prescriptions because my doctors kept getting it wrong 🤦‍♀️ – issuing me one needle per day instead of 4 and they kept questioning why I kept running out so quickly.. turned out someone made an error with the prescriptions. You also then have to watch you eat and my goodness is there sooo many foods out there which can spike your sugar levels, it wasn’t fun keeping blood levels down.

But aside from that as I said, the actual pregnancy itself Alhamdulilah was easy-breezy.

That was. until. you get to the birth.

Overall it was incredibly amazing to learn about the miracle journey of a sperm to egg and too see it develop overtime in your belly. Following the apps were insightful and mind blowing. Crazy to think at some point the little energetic cheeky man that is running around today was so small and unimaginable and that I helped grow him, nurture him and give birth to him.


I hope you’ve enjoyed the read so far! You’ll have to wait till next week to read all about the birth, so stick around follow and subscribe in the meantime to get notified. Let me know if there’s anything in particular you wish to know so I can include that.

As you all may know I never really shared my pregnancy journey on social media. Here are some never before shared images (and the only few I’ve managed to capture) of Isa as a bump. As you can see they’re quick selfies and slightly awkward. Now the last image here, is me the day before induction.. the day before I meet my little man. I remember my feet and face being really swollen at this time and I had to ask for the OH to help me pop on my sandals, as the lovely bump was just in the way.

I’ll be splitting my experience into three parts:

  1. T H E P R E G N A N C Y
  2. T H E  B I R T H
  3. T H E  S U R P R I S E

Until my next post xoxo

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ADVICE || Buh-bye 2018.

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

Now as I say bye-bye 2018, I say it in the voice of my little one: Buh-byeee 2018.

This year for me has been so weird. Of course I’m blessed of all that I have and own and I’m privileged and grateful for all that I have. However, it’s also a year whereby I feel like I have done absolutely nothing. I felt like my days were on constant repeat. Nothing new, or self-empowering or motivating. I didn’t do a whole lot for me.

I recently updated my iPhone 6 and it’s disgustingly shocking just how much I pick up my phone and use it. The feature that shares how often you use your iPhone is absolutely shocking and one which I intend to change.

A lot of my actions were money motivated and it was definitely needed this past year from moving apartments to managing our little one. We’re at a stable environment and one that provides comfort, reassurance and security.

In 2019, my focus is to be kind to my body.

// to take a bit of care, time and effort to look good – for myself more than anything else. Now not in a vain, self-obsessed way but I’ve really let myself go this past year. It would be good for my self-esteem and confidence to take pride in how I look and I treat myself.

Although I will continue to be a hardworking mother and partner, I genuinely want to put in more me time and not feel guilty for taking that time off for me. Mom guilt is real and it follows me everywhere, haha – I struggle to enjoy things for me.

Throughout 2019, I want to share more words of encouragement, positivity and endearment. Show people, I care and appreciate their efforts. I’d like to be more self-less and give back more – get involved.

Overall, this year I will be starting my journey of self-improvement. I will do more for me. I will stand up for me. I will also give back, sit back and reflect. Take it easy and not jump or rush into things. I will figure out what it is that I want to do for me and go for it guns blazing.

Now I’ve put my words out there into the system, I am calling my happiness into existence. I am speaking my affirmations into reality and I will follow that up with actions. It’ll truly be interesting to see how it all comes to light at the end of the year, when I come back with a follow up post.

Sharing love, positivity and prayers.

Until my next post xoxo

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LIFE // One year of motherhood.

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

Yup, that’s right, my little boy turned one on August 08th, Alhamdulillah for everything!

Motherhood, for me personally didn’t start out easy at all – I felt lonely, confused and just overall struggled  – you can read all about it [here]. However, come through the 6-month stage, I had a full 180 turnaround and had a bit of a whirlwind moment from then on. Why? because all of a sudden, he became a little mister, a little boy full of so much character and confidence it’s been hilarious, lovely and enjoyable to watch him grow since. I also think it helps that he now sleeps through the night (alhamdulillah) so I’m able to sleep easy too. This has definitely been a blessing for me as I know it easily could have been worse, but I thank Allah daily for my little blessings.

I thought I’d share this post as a quick reflection of motherhood to date and also share 2 of my favorite pictures of Isa throughout the year 🙊. The first picture shown was taken on Eid-ul-Fitr and the second picture was taken at my cousin’s mehndi. He’s just such a smiley, happy, cheeky little monkey and I do love him to bits (Allahuma Barik). I’ll stop the gushing here!
Now this time last year, as I mentioned was a whirlwind, as I truly cannot remember how the time flew by, how maternity whizzed passed and now I’m back to my full-time desk job trying to fit in endless brunches, blogging and life experiences with Isa in the small spare time I have, oh and not  forgetting to mention squeezing in family and friends and making sure there’s still mommy and daddy time all whilst maintaining a home. The first world life is truly a juggling act.

I took 9 months off work (basically up until the pay finished) and towards the end of it, just as I was due to go back to work is when I truly got into the swings and ‘routine’ of motherhood. In terms of getting up and gettings things done with a positive mind frame and not feeling overwhelmed by anything. Now as much as you try and stick to a routine it won’t always go exactly to plan and that’s okay, I allowed my days to have flexibility and structure without it being rigid – this meant I was then in the moment, in my surroundings and able to give 100% attention to the NOW. This change in motion meant I was also able to enjoy Isa and in turn gain more life experiences.

Prior to being Isa’s mommy, it was just me, I was a superficial version of me who just wanted ‘things’ – meaningless things. What Isa did, was give me life. Motherhood really does bring out the life in you and it’s no longer about trying to get the latest makeup or climb the corporate career ladder in an unknown destination.

Don’t get me wrong, throughout this whole journey, I almost lost my identity for a hot second, and then I was reminded that I too was growing and evolving into this new found identity. I’m now working on my mommy self and feel like I’ve got that locked down mentally but just working on myself physically still (lol). I did not give two thoughts about trying to loose weight whilst on maternity, and all those brunching days over maternity have definitely caught up to me so now it’s time to get fit (watch this space!). I’m also incorporating more ‘me time‘ in, to ensure I stay sane, haha.

Ultimately, what I want to finish off with, is that for all you new time mommies, it really is true what they say – it does get easier! Except for the poo, I still cannot deal with it, the more they eat exotic foods, the smellier it gets LOL. Joke’s aside, you truly will have energy, fun, and laughter as the time goes on. For the moment, just be in the NOW. Put the phone and the camera down, turn the telly off and just enjoy being with your baby and watching them grow.

I do hope you enjoyed catching up and if you’d like to see more from me, then stick around and follow me here or you can subscribe to me over on youtube.

P.S. I do hope that this post has helped explain why my posts and videos have been a bit sparse over the last few months, I was still adjusting and just enjoying the moment.

Until my next post xoxo

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LIFE // Ramadan Journal 2018 (1/3)

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

I thought I’d publically journal my Ramadan moments and feelings to see how I grow, evolve and if not learn from this blessed month, If I can leave this month with good habits (spiritually, praying, mentally and soulfully) then I’ll say mission accomplished. As nice as vlogs are too watch back on, I feel as though vlogging would take up too much time and effort and I really can’t afford to do that right now (time-wise). Last year I didn’t fast as I was pregnant so I was really anticipating this year and was concerned, if not slightly scared of the 19/18 hour long fasts that await me. I intend to split this journal into three segments and share them ten days at a time, as otherwise, it may end up being too long to share in one post.

– O N E –
The first day of Ramadan went splendidly well, went by much easier than I anticipated considering the UK is one of the longest hours (18/19) to keep their fasts. It was a simple day and one that I broke alone at home as my partner was working. I broke my fast with a simple meal of 3 dates, water, 2 chappatis and chickpea curry. I’m going to try and eat less meat this month too, see if I can switch up my diet to include more vegan and dairy-free alternatives. I wish to make these dietary choices to better my health and I feel like Ramadan is the perfect way for me to cleanse my body as well as my soul.

I found that I got irritable towards the end of the fast as I was concerned about breaking my fast late as I was tending to Isa who was having a bit of a meltdown. He’s just so ill at the moment, no doubt from the sudden changes in weather – and his bedtime is usually around 9/10. So I was eager to get him to bed so I can eat and pray in peace. It didn’t quite go as planned and ate as the little man played/ ate with me.

In terms of self-control, what I tried to focus on was to think before I spoke and really control my anger. I’m confident by the end of the night we had a positive change. Throughout Ramadan, I’m trying to be more self-aware so I can leave Ramadan as a much more appreciative and controlled person.
– T W O –
Last night I wasn’t feeling my best so I stayed round my moms and completed sehri there. When I woke up, I wasn’t feeling my best and felt super ill causing me to sleep quite a bit throughout the day and when I woke up I had the most splitting headache and felt super weak, I was really close to wanting to break my fast but I didn’t. I pulled on through and Alhamdulillah was able to complete another day of fast. When staying round my mom’s I couldn’t resist her food so it’s with regret I mention I ate fried foods of chicken nuggets and samosas! – Just goes to show how weak my self-restraint it (a work in progress for sure!).

Self-control & awareness// I realised I was very calm yesterday and I was aware of my surroundings really forcing myself to be in the moment, with my son and off my phone. Reading with him and praying with him. Something you all should know about me is that occasionally I can be quite ditzy and mindless, thinking about nothing and just blindly letting time pass by, I never realised just how idly I’d let moments pass and allow frivolous sh!t get in the way. Being awoke of your surroundings (not just your day-to-day life) but the world around us is so important. It’s no longer okay to be ignorant and mindless, especially when we live in an age where information can be found at our fingertips. I’ve realised if I’m not informed I can’t be the best mom and raise my son in a manner which matters to the world. We’re living in world which is nearing an end, and throughout my journey here I wish to be able to help people, if not physically or through my actions, then at least vocally. With that said, I stand with Palestine.

C O M I N G S O O N

– T H R E E –

– F O U R –

– F I V E –

– S I X –

– S E V E N –

– E I G H T –

– N I N E –

– T E N –

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Ten things they don’t tell you about motherhood…

As-Salaamu Alaikum
Peace Be Upon You

I feel like there’s always something to add to this post, hence why it’s taken me some time to post it out. There’s always something new to share or something crazy you learn. Motherhood is one of the wildest adjustment you’ll make to your life so here are 10 things I was never told about motherhood…

When looking for a picture to set the tone of this post I realised I don’t take enough candid photos of me and my boy together – it’s usually pics of him and his dad, with others, or just of himself. I’m too busy looking like a bum to even think about getting involved, so that’s why you’ve got a photo of little ol’ me. Moral of the story: GET INVOLVED, get taking those photos and capture those memories coz I know I damn well I would want to reminisce about them later on.

In no particular order let’s get started on the ten things they don’t honestly tell you about motherhood…

1) DRY HANDS.

// You wash your hands after every nappy change, before every feed and then for your own needs – it’s constant wash wash wash, dry dry dry. Don’t even get me started on the chore that is sterilising bottles 😒 but it’s safe to say I’ve developed the most aged hands around town and it looks sad. I’m at a point where I’m like is there really any point to moisturising if it’s going to get washed off in five minutes? The answer is no. BUT if I don’t moisturise it my hand gets super cracked and bleeds and that’s not pretty to look at either.

2) 10 NEEDLES.

// When you have a cesarean everyone forgets to tell you the part where you have to self-inflict yourself for ten days with jabs. Yes, it’s there to prevent blood clots but boy did that hurt! I personally felt a burning sensation every time I got injected and it was a time of day that I dreaded so much.

3) WEIGHT.

// I don’t know what magical human out there exists but nooooo it doesn’t drop off anytime soon and nooo there is no time to go to the gym. I’m loosing out on £15.99 per month on a subscription which I never use. 😭😭 (DW, I’ve cancelled this now 6 months later).

4) LONELINESS.

// Motherhood brings out a sense of loneliness which I never really expected. Even though there are people around you it’s not the same. The nights are the worst because there really is no one else you can call upon. I mean realistically how many times a night are you gonna bother someone? (Please note this feeling does get suppressed over time when bubba starts sleeping longer) 😅. On a side note I think it’s important to note that Isa’s daddy works nights hence maybe why that feeling felt stronger? But either way it’s there, I’ve spoken to other new moms who have experienced the same helpless lonely feeling.

5) DEPENDANT COMFORTERS.

// I know as a parent you are responsible for the upbringing of your child. Which is great it’s the literal definition of a parent – to love and care for your little one. I never realised just how dependent the little critters are. Soooo clingy. From a cute morning hug to a temper tantrum cuddle who wants to be rocked and patted to sleep… but oh no, wait for it.. you can’t sit whilst you do it… you need to stand up!!! Can someone explain this logic and crazy science to me, please????! Why and how do babies realise we are standing as opposed to sitting? Like I’m doing the same motion. I would be able to get loads more done if only he was content with what he’s doing without me sitting there holding him or staring at him. 😴 < that’s me exhausted and no this feeling will never pass for the next 18 years (or so I’ve been told 🤪).

6) FIGHTING SLEEP.

// If you’re tired, sleeeeep!! They fight sleep and I don’t know why. I thought if they’re tired you rock them one, two, three boom 💥 they’re down and gone. I’ve spent countless of hours rocking Isa to bed and before you know it it’s time for a new feed and nappy change – and guess what the boy never slept. Yet he’s literally moaning and crying to sleep. Those initial first months were hard, but don’t worry now that he’s 8 months old I’ve got him figured out to a T.

7) NECESSITIES.

// Don’t buy shit – from clothes to useless shit and gimmicky things. Don’t get sucked into it – don’t forget this is a consumerist society everything is made with the intent to sell sell sell! Save your pennies. Wait for your baby shower, wait for people to come by with gifts when the bubba is born because you don’t know what’s coming. In our family we all chip in for the various bits and bobs a baby needs because they do come at an expense. For example, one member will buy the cot, another the pram, another the bouncer etcetera… basically a registry? Of course don’t rely on anyone but in all honesty, you don’t need anything in the first three months except 0-3 months clothes, nappies, bottles, sterilisers, food and YOU. All they need is lots of warmth, love and cuddles from you.

Oh please note; the baby season rotates every 3 months or so. Take your time when making a big purchase. No doubt it’ll go on sale at some point. When one store has a baby sale they ALL go on sale – it’s what makes a competitive market. Having said that – make every opportunity of First Time Shop vouchers and mailing lists because when you sign up no doubt you’ll be emailed with a discount code too.

8) RELATIONSHIPS.

// The dynamics change – what I didn’t expect is all the disagreement that follows. You don’t realise as an individual how selfish you are as a person and in relationships. See that changes when you have a baby because it’s no longer about the two of you, your sole purpose for those initial couple of months is to focus solely on the baby. The early stages of parenthood are tough because you are the sole carers for this fragile beautiful being that you need to nurture and strengthen. Just be 1000% confident in your relationship with your partner before having a child – just make sure you’re both on the right page that way you’ll be able to overcome any hurdles that come your way.

9) HIPS AND HEELS.

// Nobody mentioned to me that after a baby wearing heels like I was 18 is no longer possible. I remember the days where I would wear heels at 6:30am and trot into London to uni and be back home by 7:30pm in heels no problem. What I realised at my cousin’s wedding is that I can’t last bloody one hour in them 😩😭😭 no joke my hip joints felt like they got stuck.

10) LATCHING.

// Prior to having Isa I never gave breastfeeding much thought, it was a natural action and bond between mother and child – yet it was one that I didn’t realise was quite difficult to master. I presumed babies automatically attached to the boob and knew what to do and the milk would just flow. Oh no my fellow readers that’s not the case, well not for me anyways. I had such a difficult time getting Isa to latch on it just ruined the whole breastfeeding experience for me and I ultimately failed. What’s supposed to be a really natural and seemingly easy experience – just wasn’t the case. It definitely made me more “depressed-like” post-pregnancy as the stress and importance of it weighed heavy on me.

I do hope you enjoyed reading this post, if you would like read all my mommy parenting style posts please search “parenthood” in my blog search bar on the right. && if there’s anything you’d like to know or have any suggestions for me don’t be afraid to get in touch and let me know.

I would love to know as a new parent what shocked you the most, or you felt in the lurk about? Feel free to comment below – Until my next post xoxo

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